A man walks past a beggar on the corner of the street where he works. The beggar holds out one hand and the man drops a coin into it.
The next day the man walks past the beggar again and notices that this time he’s holding hold out both hands.” Why are u holding out both hands?” he asks.
“You see, sir” the beggar says, “business is going so well I’ve decided to open another branch.”
– I’m the life of the party… even when it lasts ’till 8pm.
– I’m very good at opening childproof caps with a hammer.
– I’m usually interested in going home before I get to where I’m going.
– I’m good on a trip for at least an hour without my aspirin, antacid…
– I’m the first one to find the bathroom wherever I go.
– I’m awake many hours before my body allows me to get up.
– I’m smiling all the time because I can’t hear a word you’re saying.
– I’m very good at telling stories…over and over and over and over.
– I’m aware that other people’s grandchildren are not as bright as mine.
– I’m so cared for: long-term care, eye care, private care, dental care.
– I’m not grouchy, I just don’t like traffic, waiting, children, politicians…
– I’m positive I did housework correctly before the Internet.
– I’m sure everything I can’t find is in a secure place.
– I’m wrinkled, saggy and lumpy, and that’s just my left leg.
– I’m having trouble remembering simple words like… uh…
– I’m realizing that aging is not for sissies.
– I’m walking more (to the bathroom) and enjoying it less.
– I’m sure they are making adults much younger these days.
– I’m in the *initial* state of my golden years: SS, CD’s, IRA’s, AARP.
– I’m wondering, if you’re only as old as you feel, how could I be alive at 150?
– I’m anti-everything now: anti-fat, anti-smoke, anti-noise, anti-inflammatory.
– I’m a walking storeroom of facts… I’ve just lost the key to the storeroom.
– I’m a Senior Citizen and I think I am having the time of my life… Aren’t I?
There’s quite an art to falling apart as the years go by,
And life doesn’t begin at 40. That’s a big fat lie.
My hair’s getting thinner, my body is not;
The few teeth I have are beginning to rot.
I smell of Vick’s-Vapo-Rub, not Chanel # 5;
My new pacemaker’s all that keeps me alive.
When asked of my past, every detail I’ll know,
But what was I doing 10 minutes ago?
Well, you get the idea, what more can I say?
I’m off to read the obituary, like I do every day;
If my names not there, I’ll once again start –
Perfecting the art of falling apart
1. You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.
2. The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas is in it.
3. You’ve been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
4. You think a woman who is “out of your league” bowls on a different night.
5. You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean.
6. Someone in your family died right after saying, “Hey, guys, watch this.”
7. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
8. Your wife’s hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.
9. Your junior prom offered day care.
10. You think the last words of the “Star-Spangled Banner” are “Gentlemen, start your engines.”
11. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.
12. The Halloween Pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.
13. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.
14. One of your kids was born on a pool table.
15. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.
16. You can’t get married to your sweetheart because there’s a law against it.
17. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.
An East Texas couple, both real-life rednecks, had 9 children. They went to the doctor to see about getting the husband “fixed”. The doctor asked them why, after nine children would they choose to do this. The husband replied that they had read in a recent article that one out of every ten children being born in North America was Mexican and they didn’t want a Mexican baby because neither of them could speak Spanish.
One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me. I was maybe 2 1/2 years old and had just recovered from an accident. Someone had given me a little ‘tea set’ as a get-well gift and it was one of my favorite toys.
Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought Daddy a little cup of ‘tea’, which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home.
My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was ‘just the cutest thing!’ My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watches him drink it up.
Then she says, (as only a mother would know… 🙂
‘Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?
THE SOUTH — YOU GOTTA LOVE IT
A group of Alabama friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck. ‘Where’s Henry?’ the others asked.
‘Henry had a stroke of some kind. He’s a couple of milesback up the trail,’ the successful hunter replied. ‘You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back?’ they inquired.
‘A tough call,’ nodded the hunter. ‘But I figured no one is going to steal Henry.’
The Sheriff pulled up next to the guy unloading garbage out of his pick-up into the ditch. The Sheriff asked, ‘Why are you dumping garbage in the ditch? Don’t you see that sign right over your head’.
‘Yep’, he replied. ‘That’s why I dumpin it here, cause it says: ‘Fine For Dumping Garbage’.
A senior at LSU was overheard saying… ‘When the end of the world comes, I hope to be in Louisiana .’ When asked why, he replied, ‘Because everything happens in Louisiana20 years later than in the rest of the civilized world.’
The young man from Mississippi came running into the store and said to his buddy, ‘Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!’
Bubba replied, ‘Did you see who it was?’
The young man answered, ‘I couldn’t tell, but I got his license number.’
A Georgia State trooper pulled over a pickup on I- 75. The trooper asked, ‘Got any I. D. ?’
The driver replied, ‘Bout whut?’
A man in North Carolina had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait. A passerby studied the scene as he drove by and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was.
The man replied, ‘I have a flat tire.’
The passerby asked, ‘But what’s with the flowers?’
The man responded, ‘When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back. Hey, it don’t make no sense to me neither.’
The owner of a golf course was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help. He called her into his office and said, You graduated from the University of Tennessee and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?’
The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, ‘Everything but my earrings.
‘You can say what you want about the South, but I ain’t never heard of anyone wanting to retire to the North.’
A man approached a local person in a village he was visiting.
“What’s the quickest way to York?”
The local scratched his head.
“Are you walking or driving?” he asked the stranger.
“That’s the quickest way!”
Tags: Stupid Stories
One day God was looking down to earth and saw all the evil going on. He decided to send an angel down to earth to check it out. So, he called on a female angel and sent her to earth for a time.
When she returned she told God, yes, it was bad on earth – 95 percent of people were bad and only 5 percent were good.
Well, God thought for a moment and said that maybe he had better send down a male angel and so get both points of view. So God called a male angel and sent him down to earth for a time.
When the male angel returned, he went to God and told him – yes, the earth was in decline. Ninety-five percent were bad and 5 percent were good.
God said that this was not good. He would send a letter to the 5 percent of people that were good to encourage them and give them something to help keep them going. Do you know what the letter said?
Oh, so you didn’t get one either?
A young blonde lady came home from her trip into the big city to see the Rockefeller Center Christmas tree…
Her mother noticed she was looking a little ill and asked, “Honey, are you feeling all right?”
“Not really,” the blonde replied. “I’m nauseous from sitting backward on the train.”
“Poor dear,” Mom said. “Why didn’t you ask the person sitting across from you to switch seats?”
“I couldn’t,” she replied, “There was no one there.”
Tags: Holidays · Women